How do I get invited to parties? —Junior, Male

Ah, parties… a shining opportunity to devote an entire evening solely to adjusting your tube top. Who wouldn’t want in? Lucky for you, getting that sought-after invite boils down to three fool-proof steps. Go wild, party animal:

1. Survey Your Options: It is important to be in-the-know on what parties are happening on any given day at any given time. This is quite easily achieved by way of social media stories (Facebook, Pinterest, Google+, etc.) With its casual elegance, I recommend employing the classic “wtw” on a black background. Having this constantly posted on all platforms will allow you to reach many demographics and thus all kinds of events, from office Christmas parties to Bat Mitzvahs. Now, I know what you’re thinking: keeping up this new internet persona on top of completing all of your schoolwork and extracurriculars seems impossible. Although there are apps on the market that allow you to pre-schedule posts, I would recommend taking a more proactive step by hiring an intern to do the job for you. Many underclassmen are looking for introductory, unpaid internships, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to find someone. If need be, you could also market the job as community service.

2. Play It Cool: Now that party deets are pouring into your DMs, you just need to secure your official invite. Anytime you receive a response to your story, promptly answer with something that knocks the sender’s confidence, such as “Why would I ever go to that?” or “I don’t care lol” (again, this can be done by your intern). Aside from setting the precedent that this person would be lucky to have you at their party, this mild cyberbullying will give the host something to prove. With this new fighting spirit, they will boldly send you your official Evite.

3. Graciously Accept: All you have to do now is RSVP. Tensions are likely high after your initial snarky comment, so I recommend clearing the air before the party begins. Accept the E-vite no more than two minutes after it is sent, then comment something along the lines of “OMG thank you SO much for the invite. I am so excited, this is gonna be the best night of my life omg! I’m so honored!” etc. Enjoy the party, young one.