My friend is so funny … but she’s TOO quiet. I can never hear her😂 I don’t like saying “what” all the time … it’s so awkward! Lmk

Junior, Female

Hello, we are delighted to hear that you have found a humorous companion, and we have a number of ideas on how you can help her turn up the volume. Firstly (and most obviously), make sure to purchase her a bull horn as a birthday present, early or belated. On the other hand, you should also begin to consider WHY your comrade is so hush-hush. Perhaps her self-esteem is running hazardously low. Every time you see her make sure to tell her she’s smart, funny, beautiful, and last but not least, worthy of claiming her space!

How to get enough sleep and get your hw done

Junior, Female

Ah, a fellow scholar. Thank you for posing this age-old question. Below, we have prepared a seven step guide to completing said feat:

1. Make sure to stay hydrated (see Camelbak hydrobak featured in past edition)
2. Hastily swallow meal replacement pills three times daily
3. Make sure to cut any and all social ties
4. Drop all extracurricular activities
5. Don’t come to school everyday; three times a week will suffice
6. Control C
7. Control V

I really like this guy but I don’t know how to tell him, or even if I should. It’s second semester senior year and I feel like it’ll be pointless 🙁

Senior, Female

Dear star-crossed lover,

As Miranda Cosgrove once told a young Barack Obama, “shoot your shot.”

This piece also appears our May 2019 print edition