Editor’s Note: This new advice column responds to real, anonymous student questions. The answers are satirical and should not be taken seriously.

“Is water wet???”

Female, senior

This is not a personal query but we are happy to answer nonetheless, as our expansive, multidisciplinary knowledge allows us to provide advice on any topic, including one concerning STEM (#womeninstem). The state of being wet is defined as being enveloped, soaked with, or tainted by a liquid substance. To put this explanation into engineering terms, a “wetted part” is an entity that utilizes unguent. Therefore, water (H2O, D2O, DHO, T2O, THO), or any other aqueous matter, renders a solid (crystalline, amorphous) “wet” through the agency of its occupancy on the exterior of the plane. Alternatively, the liquid may absorb into such a solid. It would be fallacious to conclude that water, in its solitary disposition, is wet.

“I really have these strong urges every day to drink water. Like, a TON of water. Every five minutes, I need water or I start feeling really dehydrated and tired. My teachers get mad at me because I’m always leaving class, but I can’t help it. Even after I bought a water bottle, I kept having to go to the fountain to refill it, and my history teacher actually gave me a zero for participation. I don’t know what to do. I keep asking people for advice, but they get really annoyed at me. I don’t know why. Please help.”

Male, senior

We are very sorry to hear about this. According to the National Institutes of Health, 1 in 3 people die from dehydration in Cambridge alone, so you are certainly not alone in this crisis. All the more disturbing, however, is the fact that you are being shamed for trying to address the issue. For a more effective solution, we would suggest purchasing a Camelbak Hydrobak (it’ll run you around $400) and hydrating continuously throughout the day.

“My friend h*lla thirsty and it’s getting really annoying hanging out with him because that’s all he talks about. What do I do?” 

Male, senior

Interestingly enough, it seems as though your friend also wrote to us! You guys must be on the same wavelength because he sought help for his thirst problem on his own. We advise you to support your friend through this difficult time, and maybe have a water bottle on hand to prevent him from talking exclusively about his thirst. We think he will really appreciate your efforts to help him, and that, through this, your relationship will grow stronger.

This piece also appears in our April 2019 print edition.