Next Month’s Headlines

Meiya Weeks and Lily Grodzins

1. “‘CRLS Fights Climate Change as Students’ Shaved Scalps Reflect Sun’s Rays Back into Space”

2. “Politico Reporter Leaks Video Account of Wife’s Affair since ‘Apparently We Do That Now’”

3. “Mickey Mouse, Ardent Homophobe and Prolific Tac Evader, Expresses Disgust Towards ‘Modern-Day Disney Pushovers’”

4. “Biden’s Doctor Reports POTUS May Be Suffering From Dementia: ‘He Asked if I Was Barack Obama, Then Tried to Kiss Me’”

5. “Disney Casts Your High-Functioning Alcoholic Uncle as Jack Sparrow in Effort to Cut Hair and Makeup Costs”

6. “New Drug, Known on the Street as ‘Microplastics,’ Found in Bloodstreams of Over Half of Young Adults”

This piece also appears in our May 2022 print edition.