My dearest fellow prisoners … I mean students! With the proposition of AP exams upon us, ’tis time for us to discuss the tyrannical regime known as the College Bored. As we all know, AP stands for “Always Painful,” which perfectly describes the pervasive silence following any teacher asking how the class is doing. You may then move on to re-
peatedly confirming your identity on the College Board website, seeing it forgets you as fast as you forget your strong acids and bases. As your mental health dwindles similarly to a titration curve, you may request that your teacher pays reparations, but remember that the full price of an AP exam happens to be the base payment for one session of therapy. For the same price, you could also purchase 20 ice creams! They get the job done, either way!

As your friends cry over their significant others, feel free to shed tears over significant figures instead; you just don’t have timefor that! While you try to memorize the judgements in your required SCOTUS cases, you may feel inclined to judge all your life choices that led you here. Fret not, go ahead and write your guidance counselor an email on paper as your AP French and Spanish exams taught you to do. It may be difficult for you to remember which tortures you’ve experienced so we advise you to refer to the following revised list of courses:

-AP not Lit guys
-AP Bio-your own therapy
-AP CSPiece my brain back together
-AP Enviros over hoes
-APUSH me to my limit
-AP Psych yourself out
-AP Chemistring me along a road of deep and dark sadness
-AP Calc ABCDEFU and your mom and your sister

May you crack the hard nut that is the acorn logo and we wish you all good luck!

PLEASE HELP US. IT’S BEEN MONTHS AND WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO SWITCH OUT OF THIS CLA—

[Attempted Switch Detected. Acknowledge and return.]

This piece also appears in our April 2022 edition.