Back-to-School Horoscopes


Tori Park

Elijah Sippel and Emma Randall-Jarrard deliver customized guidance for the first months of school.

Disclaimer: Our team of astrology specialists consulted with the ethereal realm to piece together these predictions and suggestions for the new year ahead. While our coveny of mediums is confident in their calculations, the Register Forum waives any and all responsibility should this guidance lead you astray.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Greetings, part-time punk! With the start of the school year comes big emotions, but don’t be afraid to act on your primal impulses, even if it means screaming “sussy baka” in the stairwell.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Hi, human moss! I hope you found your rock. Objects at rest stay at rest, s0 be sure to keep all of Newton’s laws near and dear; they’ll be more useful than you might expect. You’ll remember the year ahead as an exciting one.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Donda donda donda donda donda donda donda donda donda donda donda donda.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Good day, emotional pack mule! Try not to scuttle away from your problems. Consider joining the swim team and letting your chakras flow!

Leo: July 23-August 22

Kachow, style icon! You may be settling into the groove of things, but don’t get too comfortable. Please stop quoting Vines and dabbing; it isn’t 2016 anymore (respectfully).

Virgo: August 23 – Sept 22

Howdy, human GPS! Why not use that notorious noggin of yours to navigate the halls instead of standing in the middle of the bridge with your slow-walking gaggle of friends?

Libra: Sept 23-Oct 22

Ahoy, conflict avoiders! Step out of your comfort zone today; challenge a junior to a duel in the hallway. Maybe even your TA to a public rap battle—they need it just as much as you.

Scorpio: Oct 23-Nov 21

G’looks, super chads! Embrace your natural edginess in class discussions and leave your filter at the door. Your deep thoughts and hot takes will never fail to liven up any Socratic seminar or class debate.

Sagittarius: Nov 22-Dec 21

What’s up, unauthorized anthropologists? Be sure to be honest with yourself and (especially!) those in your social circles. Tell them how you really feel!

Capricorn: Dec 22-Jan 19

It’s the 305 Mr. Worldwide, back at it again to let you know, just came to remind y’all!

Aquarius: Jan 20- Feb 18

Evening, armchair philosopher! Be sure to wire money to every Nigerian prince who emails you asking for it. Tell your friends about your conspiracies and crazy thoughts—they’re going to believe you this time!

Pisces: Feb 19 – March 20

Hi there, hopeless romantic! You might be going through a rough time, but playing “Driver’s License” by Olivia Rodrigo for the 152nd time this week will not help. Step out of your comfort zone this month and let your creative juices run wild!

This piece also appears in our September 2021 print edition.