CDC Relaxes Mask Restrictions Indoors, Karens Nationwide Rejoice

Jake Laskaris, Contributing Writer

Just a few weeks ago, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Prevention removed COVID-19 social distancing and mask mandates for all fully vaccinated individuals. This recent update reflects the incredible speed at which the country has been dealing with this virus. These strides can be attributed to the widespread access to free vaccinations. But for some, the relaxation of these restrictions couldn’t come soon enough. 

There has been a universal outcry from Karens nationwide. While some remain outraged it took so long to open up, others believe the CDC is finally listening to their advice to forget about those pesky masks. Amidst all the noise, the Register Forum seeks the truth. An exclusive interview was set up with Courtney Evans, manager of the popular Facebook group, Moms Defending Our Freedom

While most media outlets attribute the new guidelines to scientific breakthroughs or the diligent work of volunteers in vaccination centers, members of the group insist they should be the ones receiving praise.”

The group was founded in early 2020, around the same time the term “Karen” rose to prominence. The organization’s mission statement is to “restore the image of a fearless and empowering matriarch while protecting our privilege at all costs.” While most media outlets attribute the new guidelines to scientific breakthroughs or the diligent work of volunteers in vaccination centers, members of the group insist they should be the ones receiving praise.

The Register Forum inquired about Evans’ thoughts on these recent developments. She responded, “It’s about time someone took us seriously! I’ve been standing up to our oppression by ignoring social distancing and mask-wearing since day one. Only now does the government realize we were right all along. We demand they give credit where it is due!”

Last week, Evans created a petition with over 15,000 signatures fiercely requesting official recognition from US Chief Medical Advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci and/or a lifetime personal discount at Applebees. Tragically for Evans and her cohorts, the CDC declined to meet these requests. However, Evans refused to take no for an answer and spent hours in negotiations. Knowing that appeasement was the only way out, the signers have each been compensated with a one-time coupon for a Karen hairstyle, redeemable at most strip malls nationwide.

Ms. Evans reported that obtaining a new haircut was a cathartic experience. However, there remains a serious caveat to Evans’ activism. Evans is not vaccinated, nor does she have any regard for most store policies. Despite knowing that logic and reasoning were futile, the Register Forum reminded Evans of a few of the intricacies in the CDC guidance: the new guidelines only apply to those who are fully vaccinated and can be amended by state governments and local businesses. 

Evans remained indignant. “If you really cared about our struggle, you would know that that doesn’t matter to us. We pick and choose our truths.”

It was at this point that Evans stayed true to her roots and stormed out of the interview, insisting on speaking with whomever was in charge. For some people, the details just aren’t that important.