Which cafeteria is better? —Freshman

This, my friend, is a question that predates you and me: We all recall from Genesis 40:32 when Isaac asks unto Abraham, “Papa, where shall I feast, Maineth or Mediath?” I took the liberty of conducting an unbiased study in which I objectively recorded my experience at each eatery. I leave you to make the final decision:

Media Cafe: I walked down a long, tastefully tiled hallway. Noting the single-stall bathrooms to my left (a rarity, to say the least), I couldn’t help but smile. The line for food took just three minutes, during which I had an enlightening conversation with the girl in front of me about the state of Monaco’s economy. As I paid, the woman at the checkout, Gloria, gave me a beaming smile and wished me a good ’morrow. That first bite of pasta was magical: the noodle was masterfully overcooked, transporting me to a time where the words al dente meant nothing to me. And as I sat there, speaking with the like-minded youth (now about Qatar’s economy), savoring my pasta al pomodoro, I realized something: I was home.

Main Cafeteria: Long lines. Pasta cold by the time I paid. No empty tables, forced to sit with  four freshmen boys who kept dabbing like it was 2015 or something. Couldn’t even hear why they were dabbing thanks to the general loud atmosphere. Terrible.

So… what’s the tea going on about CRLS? Sophomore, Female

Uh… chamomile