The Argument for Vests
by Freddie Gould

It’s that time of year again: Us beautiful men must go out and acquire the formalwear to wow everyone during prom season. Everything in choosing a suit is fairly easy, except for the allegedly difficult decision between essential midriff accessories. With so much indecision on this pivotal issue, I’m here to enlighten you to the obvious decision in the cummerbund vs. vest debate.  

First of all, why is it spelled cummerbund? That sounds wack. According to Google, when choosing a tuxedo accessory, “components of formal attire are not novelty items, but rather a hallmark of refinement and elegance.”

So when you go for your “hallmark of refinement,” are you going to choose a weird semi-belt made of cloth that makes your pants look strange? No, of course not. If you have at least a slight sense of style, opt for the classic, clean-cut, well-put-together look of a vest.

The vest is the peak of formalwear—it screams sophistication. It says with assertion, “I am a snack, and my vest is just the wrapping,” while a cummerbund says, “I’m trying to be fancy but don’t know how to present my body.”

A vest cleans up a look—it brings together the left and right side of the tuxedo like a silk peace treaty. A cummerbund screams teenage indecision—a deep desire to be unique that flops as a tiresome accessory that doesn’t belong.

In my search for higher fashion knowledge, I’ve turned to senior Jeff Chen, who also may have looked over my shoulder at a picture of a cummerbund.

In his words: “Cummerbund ugly, bruh.” If that doesn’t settle it, I don’t know what will. So make the right decision, gentlemen, and keep the cummerbund where it belongs—in the back of the closet.

The Argument for Cummerbunds
by Ethan Rothenberg

The very idea that a self-respecting individual would choose a vest over a cummerbund is a testament to how far our society has fallen.

There are precisely seven reasons that the cummerbund is a preferable choice:

1. Benedict Cumberbatch: His last name sounds similar—a message from God that cummerbunds must be worn.
2. As Mr. Gould may have stated, senior Jeff Chen claimed, “Cummerbund ugly, bruh,” yet from his grammar—or, lack thereof—it is clear that he cannot be trusted. Jeffrey Chen has time and time again demonstrated a fundamental lack of fashion sense. When first shown pictures of mullets and hammer pants, he claimed, and I quote, “Mullet and hammer pant cute, bruh.” His character cannot be trusted, and his existence as a reference for Mr. Gould’s case is indicative of the weakness of Mr. Gould’s argument.
3. Vest rhymes with pest, a clear symbol that wearing a vest is synonymous with being a pest.
4. Cummerbund rhymes with fun. Enough said.
5. Wearing a cummerbund says, “I’m confident with my abs, and I’m not afraid to show it.” It is a simple, yet effective way of incorporating the style of a thick belt with the practicality of a waist trainer. It is truly having your cake and eating it too.
6. Wearing a vest shows a deep-down desire to be a valet. Those who wear vests and claim to have no aspirations to be valets are liars. A vest is to prom as a swarm of bees is to a baby shower: an uninvited vibe-killer.
7. Lastly, a vest makes you look like an usher, and Usher the musical artist has fallen out of style, a clear symbol that vests must go.

So, if you are going to prom or any formal function in the future, steer clear of the vests and ride the cummerbund wave.

Editorial Note: Ethan Rothenberg did not wear a cummerbund to senior prom.

This piece also appears in our May print edition.