- Get sober
- Learn Spanish? It might come in handy
- Find Greenland on a map
- Finish writing my dissertation on Victorian flower language
- Get a Brazilian wax without tearing up
- Work up the courage to disinvite JD from bowling night
- Be kinder to myself when I find yourself belting “Piano Man” while standing on a sticky table at 2:00 in the morning inside an empty bar
- Find Epstein’s liver (blood type match confirmed)
- Free the Middle East (from brown people)
- Bomb White House ballroom and then say “did I do that?” like Urkel
- Get back in touch with my inner child, legally
This piece also appears in our January 2026 print edition.
