“How’s Zohran Doing?” We Asked 13 Voters in Rural Arkansas How They Thought NYC Mayor Mamdani Was Doing in His First 100 Days in Office
Georgia FEMA Official Who Claims He Was Teleported to Waffle House Says That “The Jews, but Not Israel, Nancy Pelosi, and Rupaul” Responsible for His Celestial Experience
After a 4 a.m. Truth Social Proclaiming the “Golden Age of Print Newspapers Has Begun,” Fox News Begins Publication of a New, Pro-Trump Newspaper, Calls It “Washington Post”
Cocky Freshman, “As a Joke,” Pretends To Get Out the Wrong Senior in the Spoon Game, Gets Choked With His Essentials Hoodie and Beaten With Birkenstock Clogs
Astrophysics-Poetry Club Records First Member, Turns Out To Be Japanese Tourist Who Got Confused and Doesn’t Speak English
Photo Essay: Every-Body Is on It (Crack)! By Nico Rosenberg
Class of 2027 Spoon Game Is Cancelled Because 90% of Seniors Don’t Know Who Their Target Is, “I Go to School With Them?”
9th Grade History Class Fishbowl Discussion on “Why Racism Is Bad” Goes Well, Complete Agreement on All Sides
Astonishing Study Finds That Over 99% of Students Can’t Differentiate Between Haydn’s 8th and 9th Symphonies, Dr. Stefanov Dismayed
CRLS Doing Original Musical, “Damon and Allan; A Heated Rivalry Remix” for Fall Show Next Year
Sophomore Caught Throwing Compost in Trash, All 4 Members of Compost Club Walk Out of Class in Protest, Then Get Scared by Security Guard at the End of the Hall, Go Back to Class
Benny Safdie Teases New Movie About the World of High-Stakes Cornhole Starring Jacob Elordi in the 70s, “It’s Different, I Promise! Our Parents Love Us Equally! I Am a Strong and Successful Man and Director!”
“A Complete Catastrophe, a Disgrace to the Arts and Art Itself.” Register Forum Arts & Entertainment Editor Elijah Bartholomew on Haggerty Elementary School’s 3rd Grade Production of “The Three Little Pigs”
CRLS Installs “Vaping for Equity” Program
Over-Achieving, Self-Titled “Academically Oriented” Sophomore Sends Out Another AP Stats Survey To Whole School
In First Big Move as Attorney General, Todd Blanche Releases the “Biden Files,” Only Contains Exuberant White Castle Bill and the Words “You Got This, Joe” Written 400 Times on a Piece of Paper
