For many, the holidays are a time for reunion, appreciation, and spending quality time with family and friends. This holiday season, the Register Forum wants to dedicate space to holiday festivities that are often overlooked.
7:02 AM – It’s the morning of Thanks- giving. You wake up in an unfamiliar room surrounded by strangers. Before dialing 911, you remember that these strangers are your cousins, and this unfamiliar room is the basement of your grandparents house that hasn’t been renovated since 1965. It only looks like a Victorian girl’s living quarters repurposed as a murder dungeon because that’s what was in style back then.
8:11 AM – You walk upstairs and are swarmed by aunts and uncles. They all seem like they’ve been up for at least four hours and have spent the entirety of that four hours absolutely slander- ing you.
10:00 AM – Everybody’s awake. Good thing, too, because it’s time for a family hike!
10:37 AM – The hike came to a premature end when your youngest and brattiest cousin threw a tantrum so uproarious that all the crows flew from the foliage and a possum saw God. Your aunt, the family pushover, says, “He’s just hungry. He’s not usually like this.” We all know what he’s like, Kathy.
11:00 AM – The turkeys are gobbling and it’s time to start cooking. Everyone is reminding you of their dietary restrictions. You remind them that not liking something is different from being allergic to it.
11:04 AM – Something is on fire.
12:32 PM – While pies are baking and vegetables are roasting, you and your mother have a beautiful moment together sitting in front of the hearth. You’ve never felt closer to her. You tell her that you’re grateful for her, and she says that being your mother is the blessing of a lifetime. Your cousin sneaks up behind you and jams a Lego into the back of your neck. The pain is crippling.
2:17 PM – There’s a strange lull as you wait for things to cook. You end up getting trapped in a conversation with a great-uncle. It’s unclear whether or not you’re actually related to him. It becomes very clear to you very quickly that this great-uncle doesn’t really want to talk to you specifically; he would talk to anything with a pulse about his World War II figurines. You zone out and think about how lovely it would be if you were in Aruba right now. Not that you ever had plans to go to Aruba, but just imagine how nice that would be.
4:12 PM – Something is on fire. You hope it’s not a main dish because meal planning seems to have fallen apart and all there is to eat is an entire bird and mixed nuts.
4:46 PM – Guests start to trickle in. You have never met any of these people, but apparently they have all met you. You wonder why the neighbors were invited. You wonder if there should be an age limit for these things. You wonder if this is what purgatory feels like.
5:30 PM – The meal that took all day to prepare takes twelve minutes to eat.
6:12 PM – The adults have decided to take a post-gorge stroll because they are all ashamed of themselves. The kids are left to their own devices. Secrets will be spilled. Havoc will be wreaked.
6:18 PM – Something is on fire.
This article also appears in our December 2025 print edition.
