Welcome, prospective student, to the Common App! Please fill out this brief and straight-forward application so we can launch you on your college journey. 

Demographics 

1. Have you been oppressed historically? If not, skip this section. 

Family 

1. What is your parents’ marital status?
   1. Married 
   2. Divorced 
   3. Separated, but only by the distance in their hearts and through the silence that echoes within the bones of your childhood home 
   4. Together, just to prove a point
2. Do you have any siblings? 
   1. Yes 
   2. No 
   3. None that I know of 
   4. None that I am supposed to know about 
   5. One twin absorbed in womb
3. If your great-grandmother was born up to two months prior to the Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918, you may be eligible for a fee waiver. Please upload your great-grandmother’s birth certificate and a detailed illustration of her clavicle to receive this financial aid. If unavailable, a simple drawing of your grandma will suffice.

Education 

1. List any/all honors related to your academic achievements. You may include: 
   1. National Honors recognition 
   2. Number of daps received by fellow students 
   3. The time when a group of tourists mistook you for a Harvard student and you didn’t correct them 
   4. Any moments when the assignment you thought was going to tank you actually didn’t do too much damage 
   5. The amount of times you fell down the stairs senior year vs. freshman year
2. What is the highest degree you intend to earn? 
   1. Doctorate 
   2. Doctorate 
   3. Doctorate 
   4. Philosophy major 

Testing 

Do you wish to report your SAT or ACT test scores? 

1. Yes 
2. I got a 750 cumulative score, so you tell me 
3. No, I’m banking on my half-baked personality to get me into your esteemed university 

Activities 

Do you wish to report any activities? You may include: 

1. Clubs you showed up to twice 
2. Songs you learned how to play on the ukulele
3. The slime business you started when you were seven  
4. Sports you joined for the social cred 
5. Answering the troll’s riddles

Responsibilities and Circumstances 

Please select which responsibilities you spend 4 or more hours per week doing: 

1. Helping your grandfather find his phone
2. Driving your lazy, uncoordinated, and free-loading younger siblings to and from soccer practice 
3. Barely holding it together 
4. Walking in the hallways like the hottest person alive without realizing that your shoelaces are untied, your backpack is open, and your pants are falling down 
5. Performing masculinity 
6. Making sure the chocolate bar you put in your Yondr pouch isn’t melting through the fabric 
7. Pondering the limitless expanse of the universe and its impact on the ever-dwindling number of Spirit Halloweens 
8. Trying to decipher Common App 

As you gallop into this next phase of young adulthood, we here at Common App & Sons hope that you have found ease in this process. If you have any questions, meet Jeremiah under the bridge once the crow squawks thrice.

This piece also appears in our November 2025 print edition.