It’s no secret that CRLS has had its share of scandal over the past several years, and, in order to combat any negative feelings towards the school, Mr. Gehant has hired two brilliant students (us) to be the new official CRLS brand managers. We are humbled by this opportunity and excited to help get CRLS back on its feet. Below are our top ideas for improving the CRLS brand; don’t be surprised if you see some of these coming this school year!
1) CRLS will open its doors for the impending Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce wedding
So long as the star couple contacts us well in advance, CRLS will gladly offer its state of the art Media Cafeteria for the biggest wedding of the decade! CRLS will supply seating (rectangular or circular lunch tables), but we unfortunately will not be able to cover the cost of catering as our cafeteria workers have unionized. Taylor and Travis would definitely boost the CRLS brand, provided the Media Cafe isn’t already booked by a Falcon club or sports team.
2) CRLS will be adding corporate sponsorships for the 2025–2026 school year
That’s right, we’re bringing in a little extra cash and publicity by officially endorsing many major brands. All CRLS sports teams will be rebranded as the Mountain Dew Baja Blast® Falcons, and all merchandise and vending machines will be updated accordingly. In addition, the school library, formerly known as the Pearl K. Wise Library, will be officially retitled the Lockheed Martin® Center for Library Sciences. Also keep an eye out for the American Girl Doll® War Memorial and Recreational Facilities as well as the Papa John’s® College and Career Resource Center. Get ready to show some (corporate) Falcon pride!
3) CRLS Students’ Social Media will now be regulated by Falcon Brand Managers
Every CRLS student is, in their own way, a brand ambassador. In keeping with our aforementioned corporate commitments, we ask that any images published online blur out non-Mountain Dew drinks. In addition, no posts made by CRLS students may feature non-brand-friendly language or illicit substances (sorry to all our vape lovers!). A list of approved terms, as well as some keywords and hashtags that must be included in posts will be arriving in your inboxes soon!
4) CRLS will be adopting new “Successful Teamwork Initiatives (STIs)”
In addition to our new attendance policy, CRLS will be instituting various new initiatives to improve our brand. These will include a new GPA minimum, as well as a winning record requirement for all sports teams. Any student or team that falls below these new standards will be promptly removed from the CRLS brand. Students may be readmitted to CRLS via a small but notable donation. We are especially excited about the Successful Teamwork Initiatives. We can’t wait to spread STIs to the entire student body!
These are the top four ways we will be boosting the CRLS brand this year, but keep your eyes peeled for even more initiatives later this fall! In the meantime, remember to keep your grades up, post brand-friendly content, and go Baja Blast® Falcons!
This article also appears in our September 2025 print edition.
