Aries (Mar 21st–Apr 19th): Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.
Taurus (Apr 20th–May 20th): You can’t remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia—but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn’t helped.
Gemini (May 21st–Jun 20th): This message isn’t from the stars; it’s from Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison LLP, representing Google LLC. on the basis of a trademark infringement charge.
Cancer (Jun 21st–Jul 22nd): The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute redhead you’ve been pointing them out to couldn’t be more bored if she tried.
Leo (Jul 23rd–Aug 22nd): You may be both enlightened and confused when a tree falls in a forest, only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Virgo (Aug 23rd–Sep 22nd): The stars predict a large amount of wealth and success in your future, though mostly just to keep themselves entertained.
Libra (Sep 23rd–Oct 22nd): Keep an eye on that guy sitting next to you in History. It’s actually former President Andrew Johnson waiting to see if you write anything bad about him.
Scorpio (Oct 23rd–Nov 21st): Children are the most important resource to our nation—so make sure to keep a stockpile of them in your basement in case of an emergency.
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd–Dec 21st): Tennis is an interesting sport.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd–Jan 19th): By the end of the month, you may find yourself more informed about cardiopulmonary bypass than you ever thought possible.
Aquarius (Jan 20th–Feb 18th): Expect to receive a strange email from the Saudi-Arabian government describing, in painstaking detail, the management of its petroleum-distribution infrastructure.
Pisces (Feb 19th–Mar 20th): The stars warn you to watch out for strange men wearing cargo pants. Unrelated thought: you also might be surprised to find out how sharp staples are.
This horoscope also appears in our June 2025 print edition.
