On March 24th, The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg went public with the information that Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth accidentally included Goldberg in a group chat discussing war plans, specifically a series of bombings in Yemen. Goldberg described the whole ordeal in detail. However, the Register Forum has actually had access to Trump Administration group chats for longer than The Atlantic.
This is going to take some explaining.
The story starts in November when newly-elected President Trump was selecting his cabinet. My phone number was accidentally put on a group chat by, at the time, Attorney General Matt Gaetz, who had acquired it on the dark web. The number was assumed to be that of JD Vance, and nobody thought to double-check with him. Actually, according to chats that the Register Forum has been privy to, the Administration seems to have completely forgotten about Vance.
In the last six months, I’ve been accidentally added to countless group chats, including many discussing Trump’s new tariffs. On Wednesday, April 9th, Trump texted Secretary of State Marco Rubio and myself, “how much should our tariff on Madagascar be,” to which Rubio responded with a link to a random number generator. Trump ‘hearted’ the message. The tariffs on Norfolk Island, which is inhabited exclusively by penguins and seals, were actually suggested by me. Trump took the idea and ran with it, replying to my text, “they’ll never see it coming.”
Other group chats I was added to include those in Vance’s personal life. Second Lady Usha Vance has been texting me quite frequently, and from what I can tell, the couple has been drifting apart emotionally. Mrs. Vance has expressed that JD has been absent lately, as well as being emotionally vacant and “a raging misogynist, racist, and someone just generally unpleasant to be around.” I have tried my absolute best to save the Vances’ marriage for the sake of the country, but some relationships are just irreconcilable. Be on the lookout for a divorce scandal, even if JD isn’t.
These are just some of the most notable group chats I’ve been included in. There are dozens of others, all as fascinating as those I’ve mentioned in this article. Some other highlights from my time as JD Vance’s phone number include Elon Musk sending an average of fourteen tweets per day, mostly his own, as well as regular phone calls with the president as he tries to figure out how various apps on his phone work. I’ve also been on chats with Kristi Noem, who asked me three separate times if I needed her to dog-sit, and RFK, Jr., who sends his workout regimen and “get ready with me” videos on the daily.
I was also in a private chat with President Trump and former President Joe Biden. This chat was by far the most active of any I was on, and I was definitely added by accident. I won’t include the contents of this chat for fear of the quotations being too inappropriate for publication. All I can say is that the two politicians are certainly reaching across the aisle.
This article also appears in our April 2025 print edition.
