After President Donald Trump imposed his “reciprocal tariffs,” many around the world were left reeling, wondering if their retirement savings would last, if they would have to sell their stock in “Skorts for Men,” and if it was finally time to build that bunker Grandpa hasn’t stopped talking about since Vietnam. It seemed that no country was safe from the staggering financial implications.
The Register Forum interviewed a worried family of Macaroni penguins who were left baffled by the 10% tariff that was set on their barren Heard and McDonald Islands, located south-west of Australia. “Our summer vacation to Aruba? Gone!” Mrs. Macaroni squawked. She was a stay-at-home mother and spent most of her time regurgitating seafood mash into her childrens’ eager mouths. The family relied on one income and had been largely successful until Mr. Trump’s tariffs set in. “The car we were going to buy? Poof! The thousands of kilos of krill we were going to have imported from China? We might as well starve!”
While Mr. Trump saw the tariffs on Heard Island as a way to prevent sleuthing countries from avoiding trade with the U.S., Mr. Macaroni has a dissenting opinion. “I’ve worked years, years!—nestling, nustling, and hustling,” he said, grinding out his seventh cigarette with his flipper. Mr. Macaroni’s hard earned 401K from a lifetime of fishing had been effectively dissolved. Now, the Macaroni family was struggling to support their three children. Many others have opposed Mr. Trump’s decision to impose tariffs on the Heard and McDonald Islands because the inhabitants are mainly sea creatures, as stated by actress Amanda Seyfried, an original cast member of the film adaptation of Mamma Mia: “What’s the name of the game [Donald Trump]?”
Tango (who made three), told the Register Forum that Mr. Trump’s tariffs have made it difficult for him and his two homosexual penguin fathers, Roy and Silo, from cracking out illustrations for children’s books about homosexual penguin fathers. The publishing trio are now being forced to use their saliva and urine to make semi-comprehensible drawings and text instead of their usual gay squid ink and martini-scented watercolors.
While the overwhelming consensus on the Heard and McDonald Islands is that penguins will suffer, not all inhabitants are feeling the burden of Mr. Trump’s tariffs. The Register Forum spoke to penguin Elon P. Musk, who said, “Do I think the tariffs are a bad idea? Yes, certainly. Will I do anything about it? No, absolutely not.” By the glint in his beady eyes, the Register Forum concluded that Mr. Musk enjoyed watching the world burn. Mr. Musk described Mr. Trump’s tariffs as “genius. Like Regina George, or Putin.”
This article also appears in our April 2025 print edition.
