As the United States barrels towards its second—perhaps its greatest—economic depression, Americans are bracing themselves for financial collapse. The Register Forum compiled a list of Great Depression Tips and Tricks to last you and your loved ones through the next four to 38 years.
1. Learn how to play the banjo.
The banjo is a great instrument for Depression times. Not only can you create a makeshift banjo easily at home with three sticks and a handful of cat whiskers, but it is the perfect string instrument to play while sitting wistfully on a crumbling porch while watching a tumbleweed roll by.
2. Stockpile toothpicks.
Toothpicks are a Great Depression must-have. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said recently in a statement that he was going to quote “melt down all the toothbrushes into one giant bubbling pot of hot plastic, and then dump the hot plastic and loose bristles into the ocean.” Depression or not, Americans are going to have to find a toothbrush alternative. Toothpicks are ideal if you want to clean your teeth or kill a small rodent without dirtying one of your kitchen knives.
3. Collect fingernail clippings.
Not only do loose fingernails make for a great midday Great Depression snack, but according to Norse mythology, eating fingernails can lead to good luck and prosperity, as well as hay fever and kidney failure.
4. Take up yoga.
In trying times, it is crucial that you don’t forget to take care of yourself. Yoga is the perfect way to stay fit and nimble. It will also come in handy when you have to be agile enough to fit yourself into a dresser drawer, since that’s the only place you’ll have to sleep after using your bed frame for firewood and mattress as a front door. Yoga also helps with joint upkeep, as you will likely be spending 22 hours of any given day on your feet rocking upwards of twelve babies at once.
5. Always have a pile of rocks on hand.
Without video games or social media or decks of cards or jacks or novels or fun, rocks are a splendid way to trick your kids into thinking that life is good. Rocks can have many uses for bored and stir-crazy kids: tossing, kicking, balancing, spinning, and bludgeoning. Remind your kids what it feels like to be alive—give them rocks!
6. Find a safe place to store your money.
Once the banks close and are ultimately used as shelter or are lit aflame, it can be hard to know what to do with your loose bills. We recommend eating them. Not only will you feel full—maybe even a bit weighty—but no one will ever find it (unless, of course, they sift through your manure).
7. Swords.
We don’t know what to do either, guys. Get yourself a sword.
This article also appears in our June 2025 print edition.
