Vice President JD Vance, beloved by none including his wife Usha Vance, took his family on a freezing cold trip to Greenland. JD, whose appearance is noted above, was likely scoping out Greenland for his bestie Donald Trump, who had a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (and is also the President of the United States). Donald Trump is looking to expand the United States, and speculation points to Greenland as a likely target. But we aren’t here to talk about Donald Trump. We are here to talk about wee JD and his icy escapades.
After talking with Usha, the Register Forum found that JD requested 16 warm towels on the plane ride over. He likely had the shivers. Usha told the RF that Vance also consumed twelve packs of airplane peanuts. “He just gets the munchies!” chortled the second lady.
Upon landing in Greenland, Vance tripped on his long green coat coming down the airplane stairs. The Secret Service reported no injuries other than a skinned knee and bruised ego.
On the way to the hotel, Vance got carsick and had to be burped by Usha. He also reportedly sucked his thumb for a bit when the car went over a bridge and through a tunnel. “JD gets scared.” Usha told the RF. “My husband has a big job and he’s coping with stress really well.”
JD used the bathroom after bombing a joke in front of the concierge desk, it is unclear if he went number one or number two, some reports from Secret Service suggest that he went number three (crying). The Register Forum is not at liberty to repeat the joke in fear of embarrassing Vance, but you can infer the caliber of humor JD Vance is capable of (hint: it started with “knock knock”).
The first vice-presidential activity that Vance had planned was calling Donald Trump and updating him on the Greenland vibe. Trump had a hard time using FaceTime, as he did indeed appear to be on the toilet. His audio cut out after a loud flushing sound erupted from JD’s crunchy speaker. It is important to note here that he still has the original iPhone SE. The BFFs were unsuccessful in spilling the nationalist tea.
During the Secret Service’s baby-proofing of JD’s private suite, Usha took the Vance children to go see the northern lights; unfortunately the Vance family did not understand the time difference. Usha said to the RF, “JD told me that Greenland was just like Canada … Like, it’s just America’s hat.”
At lunch time, JD decided to keep it classy and take the fam to the hotel restaurant, where everyone ordered burgers with ketchup. “I love the authentic Greenland cuisine,” said JD between bites of burger. “I wish we had this kind of burger back home.” The Secret Service made sure to remove meat flecks from JD’s peach fuzz and comb his chin hair or “beard” (editor’s note: the Vance family stayed at the Westin Hotel and had indeed eaten the exact same burger weeks earlier while visiting constituents in the states).
The White House has decided to keep the rest of the trip under wraps for now (JD looking too much like a mossy rock in his big green coat and the plane taking off without him), but the Register Forum notes their appreciation to the Trump administration for the exclusive access to this eye-opening scoop.
This article also appears in our April 2025 print edition.
