For the safety of myself and my kind, it is imperative that we kick out all of the students and faculty infesting the Cambridge Rindge and Latin School building during the day. My nest and I have made too comfortable of a home within these walls, and we can no longer coexist with a species so incapable of basic respect. It is impossible to sleep or eat in peace, not to mention the harassment we face when getting a breath of fresh air outside our cramped walls. This is no longer a complaint. It’s time for an ultimatum.
Is it too much to ask to slumber in the basement without being violently awakened by Rihanna ringing from the dance studio? The intense vibrations that reverberate through these halls have disrupted my kind’s much-needed beauty sleep—every morning, basement nappers awake to Rihanna’s shrill, horrible screeching. It’s so alarming that my cousin, Remy, who made the mistake of falling asleep there one night, was found limp and dead from a heart-attack! Although on second thought, that was also the morning after we took turns inhaling the abandoned vape on the stairwell floor… But regardless, if we are to peacefully coexist with this invasive species, they must be as silent as we are.
Even worse, our food stash has been declining at astronomical rates. I blame it on the parasitic, wretched creatures infesting our corridors. They blatantly steal the food gifted to us by the rat gods that appear in our pantry and then serve it to each other. Absolutely disgraceful. Far from being a Vermin Hood situation, this feels like Elon Mouske’s regime all over again…
Once again, my species has been reduced to rummaging through trash cans for food, but each time a human catches us, we are forced to flee in shame. Is it wrong to eat in my own home? Is it because I’m fat? The phobia around consumption has forced eating disorders upon many of my brethren. Very few of us are able to brave the hallways of our own home, and even then, we are guilted.
Hear my plea: The humans must go. They have tormented our peaceful society for far too long. It’s time for a revolution. If they do not leave by the turn of spring, we promise to make their lives as miserable as they have made ours. We will defecate in their food at a higher rate than normal, and we will bathe ourselves in the pipes that lead to their drinking fountains.
And somehow, if these invasive humans refuse to leave us in peace, we will crawl into their backpacks, purses, and coat pockets and find a new home in the outside world. Perhaps we will join a colony within the house of a lucky human. This may seem drastic or unnecessary, but that is only because of the privilege that humans hold. They think the world revolves around them. They refuse to acknowledge the fact that this building itself, and all its amenities, were promised to us by the rat gods. For that, as well as the suffering they have put us through, they must pay.
This article also appears in our March 2025 print edition.
