The 2025 American dumpster fire has more than just embers flying out of our cities—in fact, the Register Forum flew out a small team of journalists across the globe to put together a top-secret article on the true global perspective of the quote-unquote “home of the brave.” Below lies primary-source documentation of our team’s experience.
Though the first stop on our co-op private jet was Beijing, our first encounter was unexpectedly at the layover in DC, with the British. They were slightly preoccupied trying to steal back the Hope Diamond, but when interviewed, they enthusiastically stopped and shared that living in America must feel like “eating toast without marmite.”
On our second layover in Dubai, we encountered three Syrian militant officers being interrogated for smuggling a life-size silicone replica of Joe Biden through security. We chose not to interact. After finally landing at PEK in Beijing for our first scheduled interview, security officers turned the Register Forum down. But our team didn’t give up. Instead, we took to the streets. When interviewed, an elderly woman with a face shield coughed up copious amounts of phlegm into the microphone and walked away. Down the block, a Chinese man who claimed to be Elon Musk sat on the hood of his Tesla and remarked, “These tariffs suck even more than Winnie the Pooh, like who even is that guy and why does he look so much like our president…” (Our team apologizes for any mistranscribed quotes. Who knew dried phlegm would affect audio quality?)
Traumatized, our team hauled back to the Gulf of Freedom and met with a representative from Mexico. She concurred, “They want our money so bad but they hate that our people boost their economy.” We pushed for something more humorous, but she only seemed interested in serious responses.
On a much shorter and lamer flight, Register Forum reporters scored an interview with the disgraced (and incredibly attractive) former Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, who mentioned that after preparing for war, “our military of five people is ready to fight for our right to remain sovereign as America’s hat.”
Though unable to foil the British’s plans to seize the Hope Diamond, the Register Forum deems this trip successful, having acquired a diverse set of opinions and life experiences—and bacteria.
This article also appears in our March 2025 print edition.
