Student Government Plans Revere Beach for Senior Skip Day, Ten Students Stabbed in Advance.

Riots Break Out Amid Conspiracies of Spoon Game Corruption, Administrators Cry “What Are They Gonna Think When We Host Graduation in the Field House Again?”  

Donald Trump Announces a Plan to Pardon Himself, Ex-MAGA Enthusiasts Continue to Clip Their Toenails in Protest.

Reports of Blackface Finally Decline Nationwide in Sephoras Swarming with Tween Girls as Republican Makeup Trend Takes Over Social Media.

Egg Prices Increase by 458% as Famous YouTuber Mr. Beast Rents Entire Egg Industry to Film Three-Day Mystery Video.  

Boston Celtics Announce Rebrand to Boston Tatums Since No One Else Seems to Be Doing Anything.

Outbreaks of Norovirus Erupt Among Senior Class After “Everyone Lick the Toilet” Spoon Game Challenge.

Vice President J.D. Vance Apologizes for “Impulsive War Crime Thoughts” Leaked in Signal Group Chat, Admits He was Spending Too Much Time with His Couch. 

This piece also appears in our March 2025 print edition.