Pregame:
Well, here we go again. The Chiefs are back in the Super Bowl, and in order to find anyone with a semblance of a positive attitude, we sent investigative Register Forum journalists deep into Kansas City suburbia to hear what they had to say. Unfortunately, the only signs of civilization encountered were Chick-Fil-A wrappers and tumbleweeds. That’s right: it appears the curse of the interrupted Riff Off prevails, and just like the Barden Bellas, the Buffalo Bills have been Cut Off! It’s still up to debate if you can achieve the impossible, having the perfect girl and the perfect Super Bowl run, but Kermit and Mrs. Piggy over at the Chiefs certainly seem to think so.
First Quarter:
The game is in full swing, so quiet up and listen down. Nope—scratch that, reverse it. It appears that Saquon Barkley is running down the defense faster than Trump’s economy. It’s the Eagles in the lead 7-0 to start the game. The next possession, it’s fourth and long for the Chiefs, and they decide to go for it. Mahomes hurls it deep and… it’s caught in the endzone by Referee Ron Torbert (Harvard Law School ’85)!!!
Second Quarter:
It’s the second quarter, so you know very well absolutely nothing is happening. Yeah, that’s about it, the game is still dead even at 14 a piece. Oh wait! Clearly blinded by Jalen Hurts’s diamond chains, the Chief’s defense has mistaken Big Justice and the Rizzler as Cooper Dejean and Grant Calcaterra. That one gets five big booms! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Now onto the APPLE MUSIC™ halftime show!
Halftime:
And now the main event, what we’ve been waiting for, five-time Grammy award winner this year alone, KENNY. Kendrick Lamar is prancing on stage as we speak—and woah—what is that helicopter doing so close to the stage? Wait a minute, is that Lil Wayne? Taking back New Orleans once and for all, it appears the two are fighting on the stage! Our camera crew is panning anywhere but the brawl that is currently developing. There’s Taylor Swift in the VIP booth—but oh, it appears she’s been censored due to Black History Month regulations.
Third Quarter:
“Green Fn” Hurts yells as he points to the sky and goes for the hail mary lob. Let’s get the reactions of the fans back in Philly. Zooming into the streets, Eagles fans come into focus. Loitering in front of the Rocky Statue, they larp the January 6th incident after shutting down DC in the NFC championship—quite similarly to our government every few months—our investigators had to be airlifted back to the Register Forum HQ.
Fourth Quarter:
The game is all tied up with three seconds left. The Eagles have the ball but are forced back onto the Chief’s one-yard line. With Jalen Hurts just sent to the locker room due to a life ending injury, a shadowy figure emerges from the crowd. “No OT tonight” Paul George says, as he hurls the football 100 yards down the field to Bronny in the end zone. “Ball game.” So it looks like the Chiefs won the game, but here’s the real question we’re all left with: How will this affect LeBron’s legacy?
