A study conducted by Harvard University has found six different criterion that define any area’s appeal to Democrats who are on the house hunt post-election: the number of Whole Foods grocery stores, number of independent bookstores, number of Black-owned businesses, number of open air terraces, number of people who wear Birkenstocks without socks, and the number of adults who scooter to work.
Moving can be stressful, whether you are a Democrat, a Republican, or the one person who’s been voting for Jill Stein for the past fifty years. “If you’re a Democrat in these trying times, you’ve likely found yourself anxiously perusing Zillow at one in the morning,” said Political Science and Government professor at Harvard University Janine Bowers in an interview with the Register Forum. “I’ve certainly found myself in that position before. That’s how I stumbled upon Cambridge.”
Professor Bowers conducted her research project over the course of the 2023-2024 year, when political tensions in the United States had never been higher—except, of course, during the Civil War. She traveled to each state with twenty randomly selected Democrats from across the country ages 18-75, spending a particularly long time in Wisconsin—reason unspecified.
Participant Jake Gross (23), reflected on his experience in the study. “This process was, you know, really eye-opening for me,” he said, making sure that the RF was aware of his status as a white, heterosexual, cisgender male with no college debt and a job at a startup. “It really made me understand why people vote the way they do, you know?” When asked to expound on why, exactly, people vote the way they do, he offered an incoherent response about the economy.
Brittney McCoy (32), had a different perspective. “I felt unseen,” she said, recalling the scarcity of vegan options at the Baked N’ Loaded Potato in Twins Fall, Idaho.
The study concluded that California, New York, Massachusetts and Washington were the top states for Democrats. The West Coast states in particular were teeming with adult scooter riders and independent bookstores that turned into wine-tasting rooms come five o’clock. However, the fifth top state was a shock. “We never expected Texas to be in the running,” Professor Bowers said.
Texas has over thirty Whole Foods locations throughout the state and over 30,000 Black-owned businesses, in addition to a plethora of open-air terraces for iced-latte drinking. The only factors that Texas lacked was the number of individuals wearing Birkenstocks without socks due to the rattlesnake infestation, as well as a sub-optimal number of adults who scooter as a result of the extreme weather conditions that are “not linked to the long-term effects of climate change,” said Senator Ted Cruz in an interview with Fox and Friends. Cruz speculated that the drastic weather conditions were actually related to the influx of Democrats in the state and the surge of slowly disintegrating paper straws they were bringing with them.
For the next four years, Democrats must find solace wherever it calls from.
This article also appears in our January 2025 print edition.
