WASHINGTON, D.C. – It was announced last Friday that president-elect Donald Trump has made various changes to his controversial White House cabinet and staff. Mr. Trump’s original picks included Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an anti-vax advocate and conspiracy theorist, for the position of Secretary of Health and Human Services; controversial Fox News host Pete Hegseth for Secretary of Defense; and finally, Florida representative—and alleged pedophile—Matt Gaetz for attorney general. But Mr. Trump has apparently thought twice about some of his picks, announcing in an interview with Meet The Press that four cabinet positions will be filled by old, decrepit dogs President found while wandering the streets of Washington. Here’s the Register Forum’s analysis of Trump’s new canine picks.
Number one: Old Sam the Basset Hound for secretary of defense. Old Sam isn’t new to politics. He was a big part of John McCain’s 2008 presidential campaign, serving as chief of staff for the Republican’s run at the white house. When contacted about his new position, Old Sam let out a low growl before limping out of the interview.
Two: Benjamin, the Staunch old Beagle for attorney general. President-elect Trump is reportedly very excited about this pick, saying in an interview on The Ingraham Angle, “Benjamin is the epitome of conservative politics. He actually ran for president himself back in 2016, but his campaign was shut down after some fake news sur- faced about a non-existent cat habit he had.” Benjamin is excited to get into the White House one way or another.
Three: Filthy Juno the Labrador Retriever for secretary of health and human services. As his name implies, Filthy Juno is not a clean dog, but that’s just why Trump likes him for HHS. Filthy Juno resides in a junkyard south of D.C., living with a pack of mostly rabid canines like himself. He is strongly anti-vaccine, and he has the connections to make flu shot bans a reality.
Four: Old Rover the Australian Shepherd for ambassador to Australia. Trump said of this pick, “I really wanted someone who knew Australia, someone who could be both a voice for the American people but also who was of Australian origin.” Old Rover’s family has actually been living in the US for generations—his great- great-grandparents moved to the states not from Australia, but from the Solomon Islands.
President-elect Trump said of his new picks in an interview on Meet The Press, “We’re all really excited about these new guys, they’re good guys. They might be the best guys.” The new picks are widely seen as massive improvements from his current line-up.
This article also appears in our January 2025 print edition.
