WASHINGTON, D.C. – After dropping out of the 2024 Presidential race in July of this year, sitting President Joe Biden has announced that he will be running for a second term in 2028. This announcement came just a few hours after it was confirmed that Donald Trump defeated Kamala Harris in this year’s Presidential race. Biden said in a press conference on Wednesday, November 6th, “I saw Donny bringing in a resounding victory and I thought to myself, ‘Joe, maybe 81 isn’t that old after all,’ so I decided I’d run again in 2028.”
Biden was pressured to drop out by many Democrats due to the seeming unlikeliness of his victory over Trump in 2024. In the only debate he participated in this year, the President demonstrated a dramatically slowed speech and increased forgetfulness, causing general concern for his cognitive well-being.
Mr. Biden would be 90 years old when his second term would end in 2032, but that doesn’t seem to concern him. He said in an interview with CNN “At a certain age you stop declining cognitively, and most doctors say that by 86 you actually have the mental stability of a man half your age.” He went on to describe his childhood pediatrician, saying “he was a hinky kind of guy, sort of queer […] kind of guy we used to call—” the President was cut off by CNN’s Anderson Cooper before he could finish his thought.
Biden’s announcement shocked the general population, as he has been very publicly mentally foggy since his election to the oval office. To reassure Democratic voters, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said that the President actually has a secret that he and his staff believe will carry him through to 2028.
That magical secret? Performance-enhancing drugs. Says Jean-Pierre, “We have him on a combination of hourly doses of tylenol, Prime energy, and the same stuff they gave Lance Armstrong.” It seems to be working, much to the President’s satisfaction. He has been on a press tour of the nation, taking interviews with outlets that a President typically wouldn’t, including TMZ, and appearing on both The Joe Rogan Experience and The Tucker Carlson Show. In an interview with the Register Forum on November tenth, a wide-eyed Biden said “I feel stronger than ever. I picked up Jill the other day with just my right arm.” The President then stood up and grew to over seven feet tall, his shirt ripping off like the hulk, and proceeded to lift the interviewer in his chair as a display of his increased strength.
The President’s intense regimen does come with downsides, though. It was reported that after a few weeks of the previously described concoction, Biden has begun neglecting his Presidential duties. First Lady Jill Biden said in an interview that her husband has been spending increased periods of time at the gym and that he hasn’t been sleeping, just laying in his twin bed right next to hers, breathing very hard, and foaming at the mouth.
Mr. Biden looks to be just the third President in US history to serve non-consecutive terms.
