Through millennia of evolution, humankind has experienced many great catastrophes. Yet from Spanish influenza and the bubonic plague, to SARS Covid-19 and the upcoming monkeypox, a new plague has started to consume our population. Though some may not notice, the students who walk through these very halls face this adversity, knowing their education is withheld from them, confiscated in the clutches of Mark Zuckerberg. This new plague, that of technology, is the ruin of our future and that of our brilliant-ish students.
As they wander aimlessly through the halls, listening to Lil’ Uzi Vert and going in the opposite direction of their class, this technology consumes their time and ultimately ruins their performance—and more importantly, the great reputation of CRLS. Through much contemplation and means of plagiar—I mean—taking inspiration from policy implemented from schools across the country, I, a representative of the CRLS administration, have conjured the perfect formula to combat this contemporary addiction. This new phone policy will set students up to thrive in the community we’ve built for ourselves, and hopefully improve the pitiful attention spans and critical thinking skills possessed by this generation. The thoughtful and flawless steps of eradicating our community of this plague are as follows:
Ensure subpar cellular service and restrict Wi-Fi from everyone. To put it simply, if the service sucks, students will be less inclined to use their phones. Students who bring their laptops to school after allegedly being failed by the Falcon Fixers twelve too many times should try again.
> ‘Redirect’ funds from the VPA department to provide an assortment of plastic boxes and bags to all staff—which should be sourced from a select factory in Heyuan, China that uses ethical underage labor. I mean, if these arts kids are going to end up as baristas, might as well let the arts fizzle out here before they die in the rest of the world—because at CRLS we are trailblazers!
> The process of students lining up to take a bag out of the box, fumbling to unzip it, placing their grubby phone inside, zipping it, and placing it back into the box, should take no more than thirty seconds of class time, and if teachers are caught allowing students to collect their phones before—or even as the bell rings, their pay should be cut in half.
> Bags in which multiple students store their phones each day should not be sanitized, as these bags act as a catalyst for the spread of germs and bacteria like influenza—which is alive and kicking. At the end of the day, teachers should give each bag a light lick, which will build the immunity of the CRLS community at a much faster rate than the rest of the world—once again the trend setter!
> In case of an emergency, students should not line up to receive their phones, and instead turn to their problem solving skills, the old-fashioned way. Back in my day, kids could fight off intruders with their bare hands and a couple roundhouse kicks. And of course, if all else fails, mortal danger provides students with an opportunity to develop foundational skills such as finding a hiding spot under pressure and staying silent, just as they do in hide and seek. Kids need to be outside, exercising, and my new policy provides exactly the solution to truly get students off their devices and on their feet.
