New Study Shows 98% of Students “Totally Understand” Advanced Calculus After One Week Without Phones “The Quadratic Formula is Now “So Easy, Bro.”
Trump Claims 2025 Election Is Rigged, Even Before It Happens: “I Just Have a Feeling,” He Says, Staring into his Crystal Ball.
“Just Trying to Keep the Election Interesting,” Elon Musk Declares Kamala Harris “Comrade Harris,” Tweets AI Image of Her in Soviet Uniform
In the Meantime, “Comrade Smith” Doubles Down on New No-Phone Policy, “It’s Not Censorship, It’s Discipline,” Says Smith While Confiscating a Student’s Calculator for Looking Suspiciously Smart.
“Demure this, Demure that,” Brat Summer Enthusiasts Mark the Flop of What Would Have Been a Demure Autumn
Joe Biden Calls for Removal of Triple-Quarter-Pounder from McDonald’s Menus, Replaces it with AP African-American Studies
Rumors Surface of J.D. Vance Stealing Costco Donuts by the Dozen after Recovering from Stroke-Inducing Incident at Local Bakery
New “No Phone” Bags Are Made In China—But Don’t Worry, No Child Labor Here! “Just Very Enthusiastic Interns!” Exclaims Principle Smith.
Falcon Block Flop: CRLS Student Found Unconscious Outside Starbucks After Ordering “Venti Iced Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte with Extra Cold Foam and Caramel Drizzle”
