Are you an incoming senior applying to college? Have you also been feeling that blistering dread fueled by Common App?
If you’re like the rest of us, you’ve probably fallen down a rabbit hole made from those notorious influencers who provide “college advice” online like @standout.search, @ultimateivyleagueguide and, arguably the most famous, @limmytalks–who is a complete opp. But believe it or not, you CAN still get into college without completely restarting your life! You don’t need three olympic gold medals, a TedTalk, and 16 years of work experience developing a non-profit to appeal to admission officers.
Those despicable content creators are really only emotionally manipulating you into giving them views, pressuring poor high school students to comment on their videos with mindless words like “ESSAY” to receive the most useless guide ever. Let’s be real, has anyone actually felt good about themselves after watching one of their videos?
You don’t need to let yourself be manipulated by big Common App propaganda to succeed. In fact, the only guide you’ll ever need is right here.
As an admissions officer in my past life, I can personally guarantee you that by diligently following this detailed guide, not only will you be admitted into the college of your dreams, but you’ll receive a personal letter of recognition from the admissions office by how amazed they were by your application! You’ll finally be happy, relaxed, and secure.
The main issue with the student’s applications I’ve reviewed in my past life is their personal statements. Why answer any of the prompts given when you can just utilize this graciously provided space to list out your entire resume? In bullet points!
From that one time you went to origami club, to being an amateur in-the-shower yodeler, this mindful approach to maximizing your space allows you to really show the admissions officers who you are as a person through all the amazing things you’ve ever done!
I promise you that the people reading your application will not care whatsoever about any stories of personal growth that you may have to share–I mean, snoozefest alert! Listing out your resume will give them such insight into your personality that they’ll be begging for more.
Another problem I see is that many seniors seem to forget the prudent and ancient proverb: slow and steady wins the race. If you’ve already started your supplementals–or even your personal statement–you’re moving WAY too fast. To maximize creativity and brain activity, the wisest decision is to ignore that draft you made Junior year, and revisit it one week before the application deadline. This proven strategy has allowed students to authenticate their writing through pathos, the use of powerful emotions, to greatly improve their writing! Of course, these emotions vary from stress and regret, to anxiety, bargaining and desperation.
By following this perfectly curated guide, when you finally start your Common App, all the rapid hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing that follows will whip up the perfect Halloween costume for you! But of course, you’re a smart student who won’t actually go Halloweekending because everyone knows the website crashes the next day… So for all the desperate souls out there, please internalize my words with the utmost vitality, and best of luck!
This article also appears in our September 2024 edition.
