A quick view of the vending machine at the Main Branch of the Cambridge Public Library may give rise to curiosity in the viewer, to say the least. Why are the Little Bites stuffed behind the Gatorade? Who decided we need calorie-free, probiotic root beer? And why has the coffee machine been out of service for the entire time these writers have been in high school?
The librarians don’t know: “Don’t blame us— we don’t have a say in what goes in. It’s a one-man operation, I think,” an anonymous librarian told the Register Forum before another librarian stepped in and brusquely alerted her of some books that needed shelving.
Ariam Tecleberhan ’25, who said she had witnessed the vending-machine-refilling in action, gave us our first lead.
“It’s just one guy. One guy with a bunch of boxes,” she said, in an interview with Register Forum.
This was enough evidence for us to begin our lengthy investigation. Who is the vending-machine-man, and why does he remain so elusive to CRLS students, librarians, and the general public? The Register Forum has done extensive research into this mystery, and we have the answers today.
First, we started with the facts. The vending machine has a phone number and brand name stickered to it. The sticker reads, “Nutrition Plus Vending – (617)-645-7346.” The Register Forum did not call this number for fear of notoriety, but we did send a polite, casual, courteous (so far unacknowledged) text message.
Then, we decided to do what is only natural for those of our generation: we internet-stalked the vending machine man. Here, the plot thickened. Not only does Nutrition Plus Vending have a negligible digital footprint, but the only page available is blocked by the CPS IT department. Suspicious? We think so.
The only person that the vending machine man has been spotted with has been none other than Principal Damon Smith. We were notified of the camaraderie by an anonymous source, and went to ask him about it ourselves. When approached with the question as to who the man was, however, Damon Smith told us to stop meddling in things that didn’t concern us and to go back to class. The time was 3:15 PM.
After these setbacks, we resorted to the one option left: staking out at the public library. For 13.5 hours on an otherwise forgettable Saturday, we hid behind the drinks machine to wait for the vending machine man. Here reads a copy of our report:
04/06/2024, 3:02 PM, Cambridge Public Library Drinks Machine
The library is still open right now, nothing to be expected for two more hours. We are spies amongst civilians.
04/06/2024, 8:35 PM, Cambridge Public Library Drinks Machine
Morale is low. We have now entered illegal territory, and we have spent all of our money at the vending machine and cannot afford a lawyer.
04/06/2024, 8:46 AM, Cambridge Public Library Drinks Machine
Due to an unfortunate miscalculation, the Register Forum has fallen asleep on location and are unable to verify whether or not the vending machine man came.
Thus ends our entries.
This article also appears in our April 2024 edition.
