By the time this article is published the Super Bowl will have been over for a minute, but we all know that it was rigged per usual. So here is our unbiased, unrigged, and possibly unhinged Super Bowl 2024 script (take notes Roger Goodell!).
First Quarter:
It’s Patrick Mahomes to Kelce with the first touchdown of the game. Mahomes is excited about this one folks. So excited it appears he’s gone to the sidelines and come back with a Banjo?!? Mahomes is now leading the Chiefs Offensive Line in performing a rendition of the Kermit the Frog song, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” The 49ers don’t seem to be enjoying this long celebration. Purdy gets the snap, he winds up… wait a minute folks, THAT’S NOT BROCK PURDY THAT’S ANNA FREY. Frey runs down the field to the 30 past a confused Chiefs defensive line, handing it off to the real Brock Purdy who just jumped down from the stands, wearing a full high school girls tennis uniform. He’s running past the 20, the 10. Will he make it all the way? HE DOES! PURDY TIES IT UP FOR THE 49ERS! It’s 7-7 folks.
Second Quarter:
It’s all tied up but possibly not for long. Both teams have punted 9 times this quarter but the Chiefs have the ball on the 1 yard line ready to make the run for the end zone and take the lead. But what is this? Mahomes has been chased back to his own 1-yard line and the time has run out! He chucks it up long and OH! THAT one looked a little Mahomey! It sails into the end zone right to Kelce—but wait! It’s intercepted by Nick Bosa!!! He’s at the 30, the 20, the 10, he’s going all the way!! SAN FRANCISCO IS GOING TO WIN THE BALL GAME! It’s the second quarter and it’s only 14-7.
Third Quarter:
Man, this game has been a rollercoaster and we sure are at its lowest point. Both teams have punted the ball 15 times this quarter. A total of -76 rushing yards and -133 passing yards have accumulated from both teams this quarter alone, but somehow only one interception has been thrown.
Fourth Quarter:
It’s down to the wire and Pacheco has just evened out the scoring with a 99-yard rush. It’s a 14-14 tie game. Mahomes with a long one caught by Kadarius Toney, down at the 49ers 39. A timeout has been called with 8 seconds on the clock. The ball is snapped and Kelce catches the pass, running out at the 12. 3 seconds remain. The ball is snapped but—what’s this folks? It appears Travis Kelce is getting on one knee with one second left in the game! He’s pulling something out! All eyes pan to Taylor in the sky box she looks as surprised as we all are. Kelces pulls out…the football? In comes…Justin Tucker? To win it from 80 yards out with no time left on the clock! And it’s…GOOD! THE CHIEFS HAVE WON THE BALL GAME!
This article also appears in our February 2024 print edition.
