Red Bull
Your friends might express their concerns, but you know deep within that you have your priorities set straight. I mean, who really cares about increased blood pressure and the risks of long-term insomnia when you need a quick energy boost for your upcoming test? But also, we really recommend you get some sleep every once in a while. We’re worried about you.
Arizona
Arizona, the one-dollar wonder… If this is your drink of choice, you’re reliable, observant, and might have a little bit of a sweet tooth. If anyone in class needs an extra pencil, you’re the guy.
Pure Leaf
This drink is a conflict of interest for Ana, so I’ll go ahead and take over here. You’re a deep thinker and a good friend unless you like the raspberry flavor, in which case you’re a shallow thinker and a terrible friend (Ana prefers lemon). In any case, it’s likely you’ve built a dependence, and being around you when you’ve missed your daily dose is NOT pretty.
San Pellegrino
You are gorgeous, smart, and funny: an all-around 10/10 who craves the unparalleled taste of ingredients that might have come from Italy. Here’s a million dollars. Keep being the shining star that you are!
Joe Tea
Joe Tea, the latest addition to the market, came out of nowhere yet has risen to the top charts almost imperceptibly. You’re a curious adventurer, perhaps known as your local trendsetter. You tend to judge books by their cover, but you’re usually right anyway. You like varied options and pretty-looking things. Respect.
Coffee
You are tired, indecisive, and maybe middle-aged, choosing the neutral ground between consuming straight caffeine in the form of an energy drink and passing out during class.
Naked drinks
You might have picked this out at first because you thought the name was funny, then stuck with it because it was just that good. If you have the financial means to make this drink a habit, please e-mail us.
Sodas
You didn’t listen when your mom said not to have too many sugary drinks. This rebellious energy could lend well to a successful career in tech start-ups, so consider bringing that up with your guidance counselor.
Water
Last but not least, you can never go wrong with water. You’re boring.
This article also appears in our January 2024 print edition.
