The holly jolly holiday icon released a letter stating his retirement last night. It reads as follows:
Dearest Believers,
It is with great sorrow that I inform you that, after nearly 2000 years of business, I am hanging up my coat. It is no secret that the modern child has lost faith. They believe Christmas is a job for their parents. Because of this, we at the North Pole no longer have the kringle jingle to continue bringing Christmas to you.
The Jollyometer is a cutting-edge, elf-made technology that measures the holiday spirit. For the past century, Christmas spirit usually weighs in at around 36%. This year, however, levels have dropped to less than 14%. This means it is unsafe for the reindeer to fly. We at the North Pole will be unable to meet demands this year, so I recommend you all address your Christmas lists to Mr. Jeff Bezos.
You heard it right folks, Amazon.com is taking over Christmas. People no longer believe in my overnight delivery and instead are settling for free two-day shipping.
Amazon has roughly one and a half million workers—I only have 110,000 elves, and we’re producing toys for nearly two billion children across the globe. Bezos pays his workers about twenty dollars an hour, but he capitalizes on people’s greediness. I, on the other hand, have made a living out of giving. I simply can’t afford to pay my elves. Because of this, they’re unionizing. The elves are demanding less constrictive work hours and they want paid maternity leave—three months of it! It’s impossible. I asked them, “How are we going to pull off Christmas if you guys keep taking Cocoa Breaks?”
You wanna know what they said? They said, “What’s the point?”
And honestly, I don’t blame them. Not to be a Grinch, but I’m done breaking my back for kids who eventually quit believing in me! Imagine working all day and night 365 days a year for just one month of recognition. It’s terrible! Even the Jingle Bells, an elite elf task force, have been unable to boost the numbers. I’m afraid it’s a lost Claus. Christmas just isn’t the same as it used to be.
Children everywhere, I’m sorry. I hope you have a lovely Christmas without me. For anyone worried about what we will do, global warming has started to melt the North Pole, so Mrs. Claus and I have decided to move to sunny Florida.
Happy Holidays,
Santa Claus
(P.S. If anyone wants to adopt a reindeer, please email me at [email protected]).
This article also appears in our December 2023 print edition.
