Politics, religion, money, and in the most touchy situations, relationships. The four topics of conversation that should be avoided at all costs at Thanksgiving dinner.
The rule of thumb is simple: Don’t ask your uncle how he makes 8-figures a year. Don’t ask who your 87-year-old grandpa is going to vote for in the next election (he probably forgot). Never ask why your cousin doesn’t go to church anymore, and certainly don’t ask why Aunty Jane and Uncle Jack are sitting at opposite ends of the table.
If you’re younger than 18 years of age, you’ll probably be better off grabbing your food and running off to absolutely obliterate your cousins in MarioKart. If you’re feeling brave, you might come back up for a slice of pie, but only at the risk of a distant relative that you swore “looked kinda familiar, I guess” talking to you, forcing you to pretend to know exactly who they are.
If you happen to have the misfortune of being a legal adult, you’re on your own; conversation is unavoidable. Much of dinner will be idly spent discussing a wide range of topics from the breed of your dog to how hard it is to find a job as an English literature major. All of this time will be spent out of fear that one might touch upon the unspeakable subjects and fall down a rabbit hole leading to long-lasting familial conflict.
In case this happens to be you, here are some interesting topics you may want to consider before resorting to any of the four topics that shall not be named:
If they happen to have children, ask about them. Parents love to talk about their kids’ pretentious sports or how they’re taking 5 APs plus 8 internships at Stanford (for whatever reason…).
Sports. If you’re lucky enough to have a television with the Thanksgiving game on, athletics are always a safe bet, even if you support opposing sides. If you yourself are an athlete, you can attempt to explain why your team is on a losing streak, but it may be safer to talk about the “team dynamic” and how much you love your coach.
School. Although it may be the most boring topic of conversation, you are assured to get at least 15 minutes of prime small talk, preventing any possible overlap with the aforementioned controversial topics.
If you happen to not celebrate Thanksgiving, you can be grateful that you won’t have to spend your night in fear of being disowned by your grandpa or facing a deep-rooted rift in your family’s promise to reconnect over the holidays. If you do, by chance, celebrate this holiday, happy Thanksgiving, and good luck to you! Let the games begin!
This article also appears in our November 2023 print edition.
