Welcome back to another fall edition of your dearly beloved gossip column. Did you miss us? Laura & Co. missed you! As many of y’all are well aware, cuffing season is in its preliminary stages, and while SZA may have popularized the term, it lives on in every straight teenage girl’s choice to enable a problematic man for the sake of matching holiday pajamas. Maybe all your friends hate him, he doesn’t tip at restaurants, and the flags are redder than Christmas decor, but oh isn’t he just so cute under twinkly lights! For all the concerned friends out there, don’t you worry, she’ll get bored of him before the three month mark. Maybe they made it to Thanksgiving and might even make it to Christmas, but New Year’s comes with new challenges and the ever-present threat of hot girl summer.
Even if they do make it, every school needs a problematic long-term couple. Nothing stirs the pot quite like a cheating scandal! They say the best love is the kind you fight for, which explains why they keep getting back together. This is good news for all you aspiring psych majors; therapy will never go out of business as long as high school sweethearts maintain a 54% divorce rate in their 20s.
If you’re thinking to yourself, my school is totally dry, you’re probably looking in the wrong places. Every friend group of more than four has its ups and downs. By the time you get to senior year, you’ll find that there are only so many attractive people: remember, reusing and recycling are great for the planet! In this era of ever-worsening climate change, protect the mild temperatures of Christian Girl Fall by hitting up your friend’s exes in the interest of sustainable cooperation.
Perhaps you’re like our editing team here at Laura & Co. and you struggle with differentiating romantic and platonic feelings. The solution for you is the ick test. Do they verbally abuse domesticated animals? Chase after ping pong balls? Answer every question with ‘I don’t know you decide’? Bounce a little when they walk? Run while wearing a backpack? Can’t use chopsticks? If they check any of these boxes and aren’t drop-dead gorgeous, romantic feelings may not be for you. Never underestimate the power of friendship or the power of their friend group—they’re probably hotter.
If you’re feeling sick of the couple drama, we hear you! Maybe you’re rocking the bench this cuffing season and focusing on college apps; rest assured, you can channel your stress into side-eyeing overly confident college applicants who feel the need to share every step of their journey. If you’re pondering your life experiences and trying to convince colleges that they make you worthy of paying 80K a year for an education that may or may not get you a well-paying job (without healthcare), this is your friendly reminder that Starbucks has iced chai lattes with pumpkin cream cold foam and the Eras tour movie is out now. You’re saved!
This article also appears in our October 2023 print edition.
