Some people believe in astrology, others swear by Buzzfeed personality tests, and a select few are religious followers of the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator. But I’m here to tell you that it’s all a load of crap. There is truly only one tried and true—scientifically proven—method for finding out what kind of person you are: the instrument you played in middle school says it all. Those sweaty, acne-filled years are a testament to your past, and as much as you try to hide it, the person that you still are deep down.

Violin: You clearly weren’t told to shut up enough as a kid. I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t a child prodigy suffering from “gifted kid burnout” just because your life peaked when your teacher gave you a solo in the 7th grade; please seek validation in other areas of your life—preferably from a therapist.

Flute: While you seem like the perfect and unbothered model student on the surface level, there’s clearly a lot of emotional resentment building up inside of you. Just know that as much as you try to suppress it, your inevitable rebellious outburst is fast approaching, accelerating every time your parents ask you about what you want to do with your future. I suggest that when it happens, you do something interesting like shaving your head or getting a tattoo that you’re bound to regret—not because it will benefit you in any way, but because it would be mildly funny.

Cello: You’re quiet and reserved—or at least that’s how you try to be perceived. How’s that nicotine addiction you’ve developed because you thought that smoking cigarettes looked cool? Everyone can tell that you only read poetry so that you sound smarter, but it suits you well so I’ll give you a pass.

Trumpet: It’s apparent that nobody told you that you don’t have to be the loudest person in the room to be funny—not that your volume is the only thing holding you back from a career in stand-up comedy. Let’s hope that all the time spent questioning your existence while emptying out a lukewarm spit valve at seven in the morning was enough to kick-start your own self-actualization.

Viola: You wanted to prove that little things can be worthwhile too, so you’re probably a man under six feet. It’s okay, we’re all rooting for you to find someone who appreciates you for who you are, but you’d probably have better luck with that if you picked up another instrument—guitar will get you a long way.

Chorus: You frequently wake up in cold sweats hearing the echoes of “Bring Me A Little Water, Sylvie” or “I was following the – I was following the – I was following the—”, etc. It must have been a massive blow to your ego when you were put as a Second Alto, but in all honesty, you really needed to be humbled for once in your life.