Hi Matthew,

I traditionally refrain from interfering with the details of my students’ personal lives. However, after seeing you in my Introductory Economics Zoom meeting last Thursday afternoon, I have to draw the line. Over two thirds of the class emailed me afterwards to drop it because of you. I’m tenured so it doesn’t matter, but it’s still concerning. For Pete’s sake, please clean your room. Like, have you never touched a broom? You have clothes covering every square foot of your room that isn’t already occupied by your six ratty bar stools. Mind you, I wouldn’t even need to be drinking to throw up in your room. It’s a nasty, disgusting, yucky pigpen. I saw a bottle of Chanel No. 5 by your bed, but I know you’re not pulling anyone. Any girl who’s ever been in your room, insured or uninsured, left immediately to get a tetanus shot. I’ve entered a 0 in Google Classroom for the time being, which I’ll remove if you rectify the situation. Please upload a timestamped photo under ‘Assignments’.

 Best,

Professor Lee