Any aspiring actor, artist, or poli-sci major can tell you about their experiences as a waiter, and mine are not very different. Beyond the busy nights and rude customers, I found that most people don’t tend to mind you very much. And though pretty standard, this oversight on the side of our patrons has allowed me to glean a greater insight into their daily lives through listening in on their conversations. On no day are people more willing to spill it all than on Valentine’s Day. Below are the transcribed conversations of some couples I’ve waited on this February 14th. 

Husband #1: Excuse me, does he have to be there?

Wife #1: Does who have to be where?

Husband #1: The waiter… he’s just standing there.

Wife #1: Yes, that’s what waiters do at fancy restaurants, dear. They stand. What, are you jealous?

Husband #1: No, he’s just creeping me out…

Wife #1: What do you mean? He seems nice.

Husband #1: No, he just … has something dead about him, like behind his eyes. He doesn’t look quite right. Like, at work, babies look like that if we accidentally drop them.

Me: I … I can go if you like.

Wife #1: No, it’s fine, dear.

Husband #1: Have you ever been to war?

Author’s Note: No, I have never been to war. 

Leonardo DiCaprio: Excuse me, sir—

Me: Oh my God, are you Leonardo DiCaprio?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Depends on who’s asking.

Me: I loved it when you drowned on the Titanic, it was my favorite part of the movie. Definitely inspired my life-long fixation on being waterboarded.

Leonardo DiCaprio: You would be surprised how many times I’ve heard that. Anyway, could you get a seat for me and my girlfriend?

Me: I’d love to, but I’m afraid we don’t serve minors. Open bar.

Wife #2: Oh my God, was that Leonardo DiCaprio? Did you know his drowning in the Titanic inspired my lifelong thing for being waterboarded? 

Husband #2: Yeah yeah, we can do that when we get home. Back to the matter at hand—I just don’t see why you couldn’t have taken out the trash.

Wife #2: I told you, honey, blame Bill. I already asked him to do it.

Husband #2: Goddamnit, woman! I told you I wanted to come home to a spotless house after you’re done cheating on me with William! 

This article also appears in our February 2023 print edition.