Welcome, readers of the Register Forum, to an exclusive interview with Blake Moreno, a breakup coach. Mr. Moreno’s clientele primarily seek him out for his most popular service, break-up assistance. 

RF: What got you into this profession?

Mr. Moreno: Well, when I was a kid, my parents definitely should have gotten divorced. No hate, they just weren’t meant for each other. I grew up wishing that someone, anyone, could provide an option for couples who needed to just break up already. That is the passion and experience I want to bring to this job, and to the world as a whole. 

RF: Is Valentine’s Day a busy time for you?

Mr. Moreno: Oh, totally, February is a very busy time for me. Something about love in the air makes people antsy, but no one wants to be that douche who broke up with their partner around Valentine’s Day. That’s where I come in. I help people navigate their feelings from a distance; then, when the time comes, I offer expert, to-the-point, and emotion-free delivery. Sometimes only reassurance is needed; I’ll stand there and repeat affirmations while they slash the tires. Other times I find myself filling vents with glitter; it all depends on the client’s needs. 

RF: Do all your clients want to break up?

Mr. Moreno: Sometimes clients see happy couples and think, I want that, no I want them. They contemplate polygamy, perhaps an open relationship, you know, keepin’ it casual. Something along the lines of a free trial. I’m all for it. As a third party, I can propose the idea without embarrassment. All the risk is calculated and managed; I recommend Google Sheets. If they like it, they stay. If they don’t, they can give the papers back. No harm, no foul. But some couples are just done. The superficial things tend to be the ones that get you in the long run. Too short? Too needy? Chews loudly? Dresses like a 7th grader? Acts like a baby in public and private spaces? Let me be the douche that tells them! I promise, nothing sparks joy quite like suffocating the sparks of your failing relationship. Remember, at least you’re doing something. It is so much worse to lead a person on than to just rip the Band-Aid off; get it over with. 

RF: How do you break the news about the breakup to your client’s partner?

Mr. Moreno: Sometimes I take the gentle approach. I’ll meet them somewhere they feel safe [editor’s note: he corners them in public spaces] and gently tell them that their partner is not satisfied with the relationship. Sometimes I hear the stories and think, Jesus, why didn’t you dump ‘em sooner? In that case, I may yell across a crowded room or two. Of course, I also take requests from partners about how to do it—some people are the planner types and I love that energy. It’s your breakup, of course you can make a Google Calendar with notes!