RF: I’ve tried every dating app out there. I’ve tried tooth whitening strips. I’ve tried the whole chocolate, flowers, and active listening thing. Last night I was hitting the town and came across your flier. Anyways, there’s this girl I wanna get with. Help me out?

Cupid: Ah, young love! You’ve come to the right place. Be confident, smile, and don’t put on anything without ironing it first. Pay for the check, make sure to brush your teeth, and maybe get her a nice pair of earrings. 

RF: I kind of meant like could you shoot her with an arrow? You know, one of your loved ones.

Cupid: Shooting her seems like overkill. Wouldn’t you rather put in time and effort to build a meaningful connection?

RF: She’s mad hot and Valentine’s day is coming up, so I’m kind of in a time crunch here. If you could just *snaps fingers, makes crude gesture*, that would be awesome. 

Cupid: I’ve seen thousands and thousands of men attempt to woo beautiful women. Tender poems, halls of gold, and pillaging the city of Troy have been replaced by Tiffany’s, dinner at Toscano’s, and a bouquet of roses. There’s nothing we won’t do for love. But it feels like we’ve reached a time where sincerity matters less and less. I wish I could show you how much it’s worth it to wait for the right one.

RF: Bro, stop being such a hopeless romantic.

Cupid: Do you know who I am?

RF: Seriously, what am I paying you for…

This article also appears in our February 2023 print edition.