Struggle Paying for College? Look into These Scholarships!

Editorial Note: The following are works of EDITORIAL SATIRE and do not represent the views of the Register Forum.

Caroline Allan and Elise Economou

Merit Scholarship

Scholarship for a student who has shown extreme dedication to being a little whimsical and has been the silliest guy. Students who are silly and goofy take precedence, but anyone who has been a bit frivolous is invited to apply. Requirements: One letter of recommendation from a peer who can attest to silliness. Amount: $2000. 

Scholarship for the Arts

Application open to students living in the area code 02139, who have taken seven French credits, and whose go-to Starbucks order is an oat milk latte. Requirements: Must draw hyper-realistic eyes in their French notebook. Amount: $1500, yearly.

Scholarship for Men in Humanities

Hoping to provide an opportunity for a boy who demonstrates love and appreciation for the liberal arts. With this scholarship, we strive to provide equal access for men in the humanities, a severely underrepresented group. Requirements: Majoring in a humanities field, listens to The Smiths. Amount: $30,000.

Sports Scholarship

Scholarship for those with wasted sports potential. Students who have said, “I would have been a really good hockey player” when watching a hockey game are invited to apply. Students whose parents didn’t force them to play Cambridge Youth Soccer and regret it frequently are preferred. Requirements: Must not play a sport. Gym credit obtained through morning yoga or exemption. Amount: $2500.

Merit Scholarship II

Scholarship for students who were “gifted” in the second grade but now rely on Quizlet to pass tests. This is for that student who was designated as a smart child when they were eight because they read Percy Jackson. However, this student may now struggle in classes, especially math.  Requirements: Must prove they have cheated on a test in the past year, must have less than a 92 GPA, must have a Quizlet account. Amount: $1000 yearly, total of $4000. 

This piece also appears in our February 2023 print edition.