Aquarius: There’s a celebration of you in the near future with the people you feel complicated about. The stratosphere is rotating 350 degrees, so you’re either turning 15, 16, 17, or 18. Bear in mind, life is a highway: you have to pick a path and take it. 

Pisces: Don’t worry about getting into college—independence, empathy, intuitiveness, and confidence may not be famous accomplishments, but they can still be appreciated by others around you. Also avoid small dogs, particularly those whose names start with Z, V, or X. 

Aries: Follow your dreams this semester. Put in 100s for all of your missing assignments in Aspine. 

Taurus: Try to have a stable sleep schedule—good luck with that! In your waking hours, look for the Wi-Fi password, it may be closer than you think.

Gemini: Leave behind things that don’t help you, but don’t leave behind all of them. Follow your passion, yet not too much. Live, but still make time to laugh and love. Get to know yourself, however, maybe not too much. 

Cancer: It’s inevitable! It’s preordained! A terrible fate will fall upon your new year. There will be a StudentSquare email in your future. 

Leo: Your sign’s classic stubborn and dedicated nature will shine through and illuminate your New Year’s goal for better grades. You will probably get an A on… something!

Virgo: New year’s resolutions are overrated, now is a good time to think about what you’ll do in 2024. 

Libra: Your New Year’s wishes are coming true! The planets are aligning for a great romance. Keep your eye out for your potential lover, whose name either starts with Z, A, X, W, U, V, T, S, R, Q, J, C, N, M, L, K, P, I, H, G, F, E, D, O, B, or Y. 

Scorpio: Save money by not going to Starbucks during every CM (Falcon Block for freshmen). You’ll soon have enough money to make a down payment on Winter Ball tickets!

Edit: Winter Ball was canceled shortly after this was written, even more money for you!

Sagittarius: Now that you’re looking out for whatever spring sport seems easiest for a gym credit, reflect on your chronic procrastination habit. Remember, even if what you do isn’t perfect or good, it was an attempt.

This piece also appears in our January 2023 print edition.