In an attempt to satisfy our own narcissistic egos, our generation has become obsessed with self-categorization, especially when within the realm of music. For far too long, society has allowed Spotify Wrapped to fuel our music-driven individuality complexes. But do not fear, I have, graciously, taken on the arduous, but necessary, task of humbling each and every one of you, for the greater good of humanity. As CRLS’ top hater, there is nobody more qualified than me to share their unsolicited opinions on this topic.

Midwest Emo: 

In your head, you narrate your life as if you’re the main character in a coming-of-age movie, and everyone can tell. It must be really difficult to be a misunderstood, tortured artist—but you wouldn’t know anything about that.

Classical:

Your attempts to dramatize your life through music are admirable, but a failure nonetheless. Every word that you speak reeks of condescension and arrogance. Contrary to what you think, your music is not more tasteful than others just because it’s older than women’s right to vote.

Hyper-Pop: 

Your taste in music is clearly a byproduct of social media, and your rapidly shortening attention span is reliant on constant stimulation to be engaged. I highly doubt that you had the mental stamina to read the beginning of this article, or any of it for that matter. 

Rock: 

It must be really tiring to have to constantly defend your favorite musicians for their newest controversies, but you’d do anything to assert yourself as a real fan. Calling people posers won’t distract from your inability to play a barre chord. It’s time to retire the band T-shirts and conceited attitude, and stop trying to gatekeep bands that have Platinum Records.

Indie-Pop: 

There’s nothing “indie” about this genre at all, or about you (despite your attempts to brand yourself as such). God forbid anyone attacks your favorite industry plant; it’s really hard to be a nepotism baby in this day and age. Using internet buzzwords won’t save you from the undeniable truth that there is absolutely nothing notable about this style of music.