Here at the Register Forum, we believe in nothing if not self-improvement. This is why we have undergone the laborious task of asking your peers what their New Year’s resolutions are. This is why they had to say:

RF: What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Student: I don’t know, probably start going to the gym, reading more, and––

RF: Not fix your haircut?

Student: What?

RF: I just assumed that with an absolute busted head of hair like that, you’d be gunning to change it. Like I just look at you and I think ‘oh my lord, is that a wildlife conservatory?’ Do you house birds in that thing? Like sweet Jesus.

Student: What the actual flip, man?

RF: Hey, no need to get confrontational, buddy. So, what’re you thinking about reading? 

RF: What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Student #2: Hmm, I guess I hadn’t really thought about it … what are yours?

RF: For you to break up with your boyfriend. 

Student #2: Sorry, excuse me?

RF: Yeah, your boyfriend has to be the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. He’s made me believe that maybe nice guys should finish last. Just between me and you, were his parents cousins?

RF: What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Student #3: To win my girlfriend back. 

RF: Oh, uh, tell me more about that?

Student #3: I don’t know. I thought things were going well, and all of a sudden she said she received some much-needed advice and just … split. And y’know what’s worst of all, she asked me if my parents were cousins? Like, c’mon man! They were second cousins. 

RF: I’m really sorry to hear that … that sounds rough.

RF: What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Student #4: I’ve gotta put in some time on the road to get my drivers license.

RF: Oh, really? Do you need a passenger? I promise I won’t be too much of a distraction … I mean, no promises, I’d love to distract you … call me! Oh, right. Can we publish this in the Register Forum?

Student #4: … What?

This article also appears in our December 2022 print edition.