The Facts: A man named John Doe died in Little Italy on Halloween from “cardiac arrest.”

The Hero: Me, the Detective.

The Hero’s Conclusion: Murder.

Statement from Me, the Detective: 

I suspect murder. Please hire an intern, I can’t handle all of these at once. We’re so overwhelmed here that I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody else were to fall victim to the rampant cardiac arrests spreading through our city, maybe even in the next week.

Statement from the Detective’s Boss:

As head of the police department, my job is mostly symbolic. Sometimes I’ll put Criminal Minds on in my office TV and imitate Criminal Minds catchphrases. Some of my favorites include classics like “put your hands up!” and “you have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” Then, I turn on all my lights and make sure there are no monsters in my closet. 

Statement from the Medical Examiner

Nurse, could you get me a coffee, two sugars? What do you mean you work here, I know that, why else would I be asking you to get me a coffee?

Statement from the Government’s Lawyer

It’s pretty clear that Jane is guilty of John’s murder. Sure, they never fought, went on a yearly tropical vacation, and had three beautiful children who could take Macy’s family photos without screaming. Sure, after his death she shaved her head, moved to a nunnery, and renounced all worldly possessions (like her children). But we’re here to prove to you that Jane Doe was the sole reason this man’s heart stopped beating that day, not the fifteen kilograms of tortellini he ate at Little Italy’s Annual Tortellini Trampling Tournament.

Statement from Little Italy:

In Little Italy

Detective (me): Buon Giorno! Scusi, would you perchance have un segundo to chat?

Man from Little Italy: This ain’t little Italy.

Detective (me), pointing at sign reading ‘Little Italy’: Pardon?

Man from Little Italy: That says Chinatown in Italian.

Detective (me): Fuggedaboutit.

Exit

Statement from Vermont State Senator Bernard Sanders:

I am once again asking you to consider donating this Halloween season; 1% of every dollar donated to my campaign goes to fighting the 1%. The rest funds my ski trips.

Statement from John Doe’s Murderer:

Note from detective (me): Still working on this one.