The Laura Lorraine Gossip Train: October Edition
November 9, 2022
This month, the L.L. gossip bell rings for Gracey Greenwood and Marvin Smith’s engagement! Mark your calendars, folks—the somewhat-happy couple has chosen July 9th for their special day. Marvin, currently struggling to move Gracey’s obnoxiously purple cat play structure into their new home, says the wedding month pays homage to America’s birthday. While their love may be as beautiful as our great country, their age gap is as vast as America’s history of imperialism.
Now I typically don’t like to gossip, but allow me to state what everyone is thinking: Gracey’s choice to marry Marvin is incomprehensible (Marvin, if you’re reading this, you’re a truly lovely person. Now please stop reading.). Gracey is such a pretty girl and, as her entire high school class noted, there’s not much else to her besides her looks. When asked about her postsecondary education plans, Gracey told me, “Yes, I’m considering going to school. You know, high school again. It was so much fun the first time!” Marvin’s issues extend past excessive consumption of craft supplies.
Unfortunately, she’s chosen Marvin, who not only has 12 dollars and 38 cents to his name, but also has the emotional and intellectual maturity of a 13-year-old who just learned how to apply deodorant rather than eating it as a chalky but delicious afternoon snack. An anonymous source recently spotted Marvin wandering the glue aisles at Michaels—he’s back at it again, folks!
But Marvin’s issues extend past excessive consumption of craft supplies. Authorities notified the L.L. columnists that Marvin recently toilet-papered Alma Robinson’s house. Marvin told the police moments after being arrested for vandalism, “I was planning to egg her car, but we only had two eggs left, and Gracey’s cat wanted an omelet.” Regular readers of my column know that Marvin’s grandmother, Bathilda Smith, began a raging feud with Alma Robinson back in ’72, when Bathilda borrowed Alma’s pumpkin-shaped cookie cutters and never returned them, sparking a now-infamous war between the two families. This year, Bathilda’s malice has taken a new turn. She recently arrived at the neighborhood hay ride with pumpkin-shaped cookies, just to spite Alma, and asked her grandson to toilet-paper Alma’s house. Right on schedule, Bathilda has been apprehended for aiding and abetting Marvin’s vandalism. Luckily, she won’t be charged because, according to Sheriff Raymond, “There are no provisions for detaining dinosaurs.”
But don’t be fooled, Alma’s having issues of her own. She recently found a used needle in her teen’s car, and despite the child’s vigorous assertions that it was “because they are diabetic” and “Mom, you should know this!” Alma is holding firm. Never be afraid to hold your ground, mamas! It’s important to salvage your kid’s future before it’s too late. You’ll be glad you took control when they’re living in your basement in ten years sleeping on $300K in student loan debt from a creative writing degree.
That’s all, folks! Check back in next month, when we’ll discuss our town’s trashiest fall displays. We’ll also reevaluate Marvin and Gracey’s marriage (a recent poll shows that 87% of readers give the couple a year and a half before they’re staying together for the cats).
This piece also appears in our October 2022 print edition.
