Michelin-Star Chef Reviews Cambridge Restaurants
November 9, 2022
After traveling all around Europe, Asia, and even to a Rainforest Cafe, tasting the best food and talking to the best chefs, I decided to come back to the States and try some of the cuisines that the USA has to offer. My first stop? Cambridge, MA. So, with my curiosity piqued, I left my diet of cigarettes back in Paris (how else do you think they stay so skinny?) and journeyed here to find out just what was up with Cambridge.
The first joint I hit (besides the one offered to me by a toll booth operator) was called “Tasty Burger”. I decided this was to be my first stop after receiving recommendations from two drunk Harvard students and a forty-year-old man with five children he lost custody of. If I’m being honest, the actual food paled in comparison to the friends I made along the way. By this, I mean a waiter threatened to punch me when I asked for vegan options. And, of course, the real highlight was playing old-school Pacman for three hours, to the sound of a drunk married man flirting with the only underage waitress in the establishment. In the end, I give Tasty Burger two out of three Michelin stars: worth a detour if you have nowhere better to go.
After Tasty Burger, I was looking for something lighter, so I headed to a place called “Life Alive Cafe,” which was not a cafe and certainly did not make me want to live. Nestled underneath a yoga studio, it reeked of white women with dreadlocks and aluminum-free deodorant. When I went to order, the waitress asked, “What would you like to restore your whole self?” I told her I hadn’t been whole since 1986 when Flavio left me for his Scottish lover (I still haven’t found out if “playing the bagpipes” was a euphemism). After fifteen minutes and a lot of tears, I asked for a black coffee. She came back with a coffee that she described as “Italian Blend, Smooth and Strong.” I cried because that was Flavio’s Grindr profile. Zero stars, much too painful.
After that experience, I needed a pick-me-up, so I followed a bunch of boys from Cambridge Common who looked as though they hadn’t eaten fruit since XXXtentacion died. They took me to a place called “Blue Moon Smoke Shop,” which I assumed was a barbecue. However, when the door was opened I was accosted with fluorescent lights and clear cases filled with all sorts of glass tickets. I asked them if these items were from Venice, and they said “no, Amazon.” And to think there are glassblowers in the rainforest! Not food per se, but I could taste the air and it was fruity (that’s saying a lot coming from me). 3/3 Michelin stars, worth a trip for sure.
