Mr. Galiziopani—actually, let’s call you Mr. Smith from now on—we’re overjoyed to welcome you to planet Earth. Later this week we’ll get to finding the nearest bathroom and applying for a fixed-rate mortgage loan. Today, we’re going to focus on the basics. In any given situation—job interviews, romantic outings, “drinks wit the boys” (we’ll get to that later)— someone may proffer an outstretched hand; they may even pair it with the phrase “dap me up.” Failure to respond appropriately will result in capital punishment.

When faced with this proposal, proffer your hand in response. Make palm-to-palm contact and slowly slide back, locking fingers. Maintain contact for however long the vibe calls for. Everything that occurs after this interaction doesn’t really matter.
Here’s your hotel key with a complimentary 6:30AM hot stone massage, and here’s a social security number; please enjoy the bounties our planet has to offer.