Hey students!
This is Dr. Robinson, your history professor. I just wanted to say how incredible the first few days of class have been. I don’t think I’ve ever led such a smart, charismatic, and genuine group! I am looking forward to seeing each and every one of your smiling faces throughout the course of this semester.
Unfortunately, tonight I have no choice but to be the bad cop and talk about a series of incidents that occurred on campus recently. I know reprimanding emails are boring as beans, and boy do I hate to yuck your yum!
But seriously, we need to talk. Somebody keeps rearranging the furniture in my office. I originally assumed gang activity, as no singular perpetrator could burn through the number of weed pens left in my office. Also my desk weighs 240 pounds. However, I’ve been told that the local gangs are preoccupied, so it must be one of you.
You thought you were being sneaky at first, moving a pencil sharpener here, a stapler there. I’m right-handed, what was all that stuff doing on the left side of my desk? I know my left and right and it looks like one of you out there does too. Even when you flipped all of the furniture in my office, I was willing to overlook it and turn the other cheek. But then you took my freaking FUTON. That futon meant the world to me. I found it on the side of the road one day. I may not know much about furniture or teaching or gangs or weed pens, but if I don’t see that glossy black beauty back in my office by the end of the day, this entire 13th Century Buddhist Influence class will be getting hell and probably a bad grade too. Give it back. I have in my right hand [Editor’s note: he means his left] a list of lesson plans for the year and I will not hesitate to have the final exam written in traditional Mandarin. You know who you are. Return it. Now.

Best,
Professor Robinson

This article also appears in our September 2022 print edition.