Elmo: On Divorce

Meiya Weeks, Games & Humor Editor

Cookie Monster: We’re going to open up our round table talk to other Sesame residents. Elmo?

Elmo: Elmo believes that divorce can be love: love with roses, butterflies, hurt feelings, and lots of cookies. Everybody’s hungover from bachelorette parties, which are the same for wedding ceremonies and divorce ceremonies, except at the latter people feel less guilty about hiring strippers. Lightweights stealthily projectile vomit into nearby potted plants, like that time you threw up at a rager after eating too many cookies. 

They’re getting divorced in the same church they got married in a decade ago, kept alive by community spirit and elderly spite, plus a couple million from the GOP. Mother, father, and boyfriend of the bride-to-not-be all line up to support her on her big day. Her father walks her down the aisle; he’s missing a few fingers, lost them back in ‘Nam making a smoothie. 

Back at the divorce, the seats are jam packed, standing space only. Paul was invited and Ringo was too, they’re jamming out in the pews to the amateur youth chamber duo hired to play procession music. Officiated by the spirit of God, who got them into this mess, vows are exchanged to probably only wrestle around, fur out, a couple of times a month, and to definitely never decide who gets to keep the furniture. 

Neither one can get their rings off their fingers; bring in the butter. Didn’t work? We’ll leave them on; pliers were outside the budget. They say their “I do’s” and still do The Kiss, because that’s a real crowd-pleaser. The mothers-in-law aren’t happy about the divorce, a quick turnaround from when they weren’t happy about the marriage. 

Reception goes wild. Speech-givers line up. Couples therapist, wife’s boyfriend, and next-door neighbors all “hoped for years that this happy day would come.” Even the divorce lawyer gets up there and flashes a new gold tooth; the prenup was not mutually favourable. 

Jane catches the bouquet, blushes, then promptly turns around and serves papers to her husband of 20 years. Divorce lawyer slips his “custody battle specialist” card down her boob, then pulls a natural canine out and sticks a gold one in. Bride’s boyfriend proposes, says he’s waited years for the perfect time, the crowd goes wild, ah, love. Na na na, na na, Elmo’s world!

This piece also appears in our June 2022 print edition.